tonight: the grandness of the inevitable…

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Something that they don’t tell you when you sign up to be a pastor is that it’s not really a part-time job, even if that’s what your job description says. This year, my 4th at Grace, has been tough. Many days my vision blurs with weariness and doubt, not of my belief but of my role at this stage in the game. Bob, the lead pastor at our church, has brilliantly adapted his leadership (most days) to meet me where I am. I hope I lead like Bob, able to forfeit expectation if that means the ability to see and believe in those being led right where they are… that’s a whole other tangent…

bob

Bob’s office is a safe place to work things out, and Tuesday we met to go over the details that add up to a bi-weekly meeting. He turned to me at the end of our meeting, “you know, this is something we get to do.”

Oh. Yeah. We get to. I wake up in the morning and go to a job that is seeing and being with and loving and believing in people and (hopefully) helping them love God and others. Not everyone sees their work married to their passion. But we get to, Bob and I and the other staff we work with. Sometimes our work means people who are sick or hurting get healed. We get to meet people’s needs, sometimes big needs that they cannot otherwise meet. I get to take teams to Mexico a few times a year, and we are watching two communities transform: theirs and ours as we feed the poor and pray for the sick and invest in the kids…

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Then I get done at church and go home to the photography half of life (Again, a part-time photographer is a bit of a myth as well…). That’s a get to as well. The more I learn of photography, the greater the sense of awe within me grows. I love telling a story visually. So much of the work of photography feels like play. And that is very, very good. I found my feet in a whole new way.

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None of this is what I expected when I moved home four and a half years ago…

The struggle for me, then, is to be okay with being here now, perhaps for a longer time than I thought. All my dreams for as long as I can remember have been tied elsewhere. The grandness of the inevitable, though, is that often when a dream or desire dies, its death ushers in a new, more full dream or desire. This isn’t just about me and what I want. But it’s not not about me either. I find myself tired tonight but expectant. There is more. That more looks like hope…

Perhaps incomplete thoughts, but what I got for tonight… Thanks for being with me in this.

jake

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One response to “tonight: the grandness of the inevitable…

  1. Thank you for sharing, my friend.

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