Monthly Archives: April 2009

tonight: moments and surrender

At the moment of surrender
i folded to my knees
i did not notice the passers-by
and they did not notice me

-U2, Moment of Surrender

discovery

slowly recognizing that you were there
you were there, seeing
and they wanted you to see
and they wanted you to tell the story
and you knew how
the details seemed less subtle, less nuanced
with the realization
that this life
lived before i dreamed it
is exactly where i am
supposed to be
slowly recognizing that i was there
seeing and seen
makes a mess of me

i hope it’s a beautiful one
surrender, again, to find clarity

today: of living and dreams

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.”
-Dumbledore to Harry
(p157 Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, J.K. Rowling)

Now my feet won’t touch the ground; now my head won’t stop.
-Coldplay

mkr034

Sometimes weariness means squinting if you want to see the road in front of you. Usually it means sleeping more would be a good idea. The question, then, is how to turn off my head.

dream

These days I question my place in life a lot. This seems to be a routine stop on the road for me. When travel hides beyond the horizon, restlessness reveals its maddening head. God leaves me to it, as forcing our hands is not an act an all loving being resorts to. All these old forgotten dreams come up, and I wonder if I missed it. Should I have pursued a different road or tried harder or given more? Would I have ended up somewhere else? Would I have wanted to?

Here’s the thing: reality at it’s best is quite alive. Quite alive moments do not leave a lot of time for dwelling on the above questions (that’s not to say there’s not a place for self-examination). They are focused on people and places and God and ideas and stories and books and words and truth and kisses and hugs and love, love, love. In Exodus, Moses asks God to let him see his glory, and God tells Moses he can’t see God’s face or he’ll die. God lets him see his goodness, though. And here’s what I love about this and keep thinking about: his goodness is his glory.

That means when we’re with people and it’s good, God’s glory is there.
When we see places that are beautiful and good, God’s glory is there.
When awareness of God is real and full and therefore good, God’s glory is there.
When an idea comes or
a story gets lived or written or told and
books get written and read that are epic and happy and challenging (read: Harry Potter) or
words are spoken that breathe life or
truth gets noticed or
hugs and kisses are given and received freely and wanted and
love, well, love enfolds…
…when those things happen, it is goodness.
God’s glory is there.

It’s not that my dreams of yesterday got shelved. It’s just that life is happening, and though it is not always good, so, so, so much is goodness. So God’s glory is here. That’s worthy of celebration.

Here’s a little rediscovered goodness:
guitar1

today: monday off

You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes
Made me realize what I could not see
And I could write a book, the one they’ll say shook
The world and then it took, it took it back from me

-Chris Martin and those crazy boys he makes music with, Swallowed in the Sea

lunch1

It rained today, and I thought it would ruin my day off. Instead, I made yummy food and did a bit of reading. And I decided to take photos of the day because my camera got neglected all weekend.

lunch2

This weekend was the women’s retreat at Grace, and it was busy. I ran Saturday, and it made all the difference in the world. I don’t do well with people when I don’t get a break. Running helps a lot. Today, it looked rainy, but I got the trappings of my run out…

running

…and went for it. Post-run, I left my wet stuff on the floor in the kitchen and gave Amber a call. We are getting ready to go live with our new website this week, so we had a lot to work on…

running1

eruns

This evening, I met up with my sister Bridget and our buddies at the Flying Saucer. We told stories and shared food and drank beer. We laughed. It felt good to be with people I love and enjoying life right in the moment. I felt like God smiled tonight, reminding me that a day off is good. I needed it. Tomorrow I need to post about goodness. That’s what I’ve been pondering. Today I experienced it with these guys:

bridget

jordan

randybeer

All in all it was a good day. I wonder what tomorrow holds…

erin

tonight: a world where glory is goodness

I’m in repair.
I’m not together but I’m getting there.

-John Mayer

I am really tired. I love this photograph. A poem for tonight (below) and that’s all.

april023

these ongoing themes
as they recur awaken desire for change:
overdoing
sub-par believing
sleepless wandering
endless retreating
in a world where glory is goodness
these ongoing themes
cannot own for they do not possess
a soul
and this little thought
identical to hope
changes a life
to alive

today: five identity things

“Harry, yer a wizard”
-Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, p42

It’s a busy, busy week. Here are some recent photos I love and a little commentary. Just because. I think it’s a way of taking a moment to put my feet up and see some of the goodness that is my life these days. I get busy and forget just how much grace abounds around me.
1. Springtime in a familiar place…
april456

2. At my brother Ben’s birthday we laughed a lot. I don’t know this kid who partied with us, but I love the laughter. (And it was a great day to be a part of our family… a great day to celebrate Ben.)
april379

3. The little Pie is growing up, and her tomboyish little self at two seems like another incredible reason to celebrate the way my journey has included Amber’s family so closely for these last few years.
flowers

4. I run. I run because it’s good for me. I run because it quiets me down. I run so I can think. I run to hear God. I run to challenge myself. I run to see. I run and become childlike in the moment. It is one of my favorite things. It has profoundly changed me inside and out. I am thankful.
minis0409099

5. The next thing runs around in my head a lot. World change, the dreams of years back, seems lofty and far off. I miss going. Wanderlust pulsates in my veins, thick and life-giving. Confidence comes in the opening of hands, stretching them out and asking to see the bigger picture while trusting that what is seen is enough. But it is not all there is. Waiting challenges.

May I, may you, may we seek to be people who live better stories, stories that grow bigger than us because we yield. That’s where God-sized destinies take shape and grow legs that run hard.
april252

today: one of those days

“Never write about a place until you’re away from it, because that gives you perspective.”
-Ernest Hemingway

easily i stumble away from grace
refusing hope’s desire
to help keep pace
and easily i crumble and replace
grumbling for gratitude
doubt for faith

tomorrow, be a better day

pics

Today went the way of being too busy with unexpected delays. By the time I got to the photo lab to pick up 4x6s to be packaged this week, I felt overwhelmed and cranky. Sleep didn’t join me in bed last night. The stack of photographs sat on the seat in my car taunting me about the lengths it added to my to-do list.

I got home and pulled the photos out of their envelopes. I piled them on the stool beside the table, because the table already held another day’s worth of work.

And the sight of those photos stacked up made me pause. I do not know why. My eyes teared up a bit. I felt kinda silly. They guy who handed me the photos at the lab had grinned as he said, “At least you’re making money.”

It wasn’t that he made the comment about making money. It’s that this little “what if” that is taking pictures has grown to a definite that means some days are those days, and photography is to blame. Somehow, God let me be somebody who gets to do this. I get to do it with someone I love a lot. I get to.

I photographed the pile of photographs to remember, today’s is a visual thanks.

What are your get to dos?

tonight: visual songs sing silent

Hmm… wrote this and thought I’d blogged it last night. Ah, the insomnia-driven sloppy slowpokeness that hits me from time to time…

april032-copy
visual songs sing silent
as silence shifts horizon
to embed the soul
alive and heightened
by this awareness
that beauty all around
captures feelings longed for inside
captures that from which i hide
while wanting all the more
humming along this melody,
unblinded momentarily
unblinded and free
blue2